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Somehow matt knows about what i've been saying on my livejournal. so i'm making a new one.

if i want you to know what my new journal is i'll let you know.
this is a little scene from a discontinued story of mine. i might pick it back up again, but not for awhile. i want to try to focus on short stories and nonfiction pieces and try to get some minor things published first. Anyway, here it goes...

Levi leans into me and I can smell the alcohol and smoke on his skin. I open my mouth to breathe it all in more fully, his scent sending lightning through my system. He covers my mouth with his own and slowly leans me back onto his bed. I feel my chest opening up and letting him fill me, letting the guilt and fear and the wanting overtake my senses. I need him to fill me up. I need him to take away this emptiness. I need him to make me feel real.

His body is hot like a furnace, scorching me with his fingertips. His damaged hand brushes along my back, my stomach, down my bare legs, aggravating the angry red cuts that cover me. I feel the pain of it and I like it.

I lift his shirt over his head and look closely at his skinny frame, his sternum and the ripple of his ribs under the skin. My hands roam across that surface and he shivers away from me for a moment. He whispers, “Your hands are cold.”

“Warm me up.” I whisper before I come back to his lips, eager for another drink. Come on, fill me up. Please, I need you to fill me up.

“God, you’re so sexy.” He rumbles as he takes my legs and pulls them tightly around him. He leans down and kisses my collarbone and down my sternum. With my legs I crush myself into him, needing to feel him all over me.

He lifts my dress over my head and surveys my body. With both hands, he fingers all the cuts that mar my stomach. He traces the words failure, loser, and die. I take both of his hands and try to pull him towards me, to keep him from looking at me anymore, but he resists.

“You’re so beautiful. Even with the scars. But--” He stops as he traces the crosshatching just above my navel, “You’re destroying yourself. Why?”

I unwrap my legs and reach for my dress, “I don’t want to talk about this.”

He reaches for my dress and tries to take it back from me, “Come on, Kacy. Please, I want to know.”

I yank the dress away from him and slip it back over my head, “I do it because I need to. That’s all. Why do you need to drink?”

I don’t ask him because I really want to know, but because I want to get him to shut up. To get him to stop pointing the finger at me.

I try to get up from his bed, but he pulls me back down, “Kacy, don’t be like that.”

“Don’t be like what? Just mind your own fucking business.”

He leans in and tries to kiss my neck, but I pull away. “You can’t butter me up. I’m going to be pissed at you for the rest of the day.”

“Just today?” He says grinning like the Cheshire cat and moving into kiss me again.

This time I let him kiss my neck, let him run his tongue around my ear making all my muscles shiver.

“Maybe tomorrow too.” I breathe as my body pulses with warmth again. I run my fingers through his shaggy hair and let out a sigh.

His kisses make their way up my neck and across my chin. He gently pecks my nose and smiles, “Forgive me?”

I kiss his full lips slowly, savoring the taste of menthol and smoke, “Well, I don’t know. Do you deserve it?”

He wraps his arms around me and squeezes me against his bare chest. I run my hand down the side of his scruffy face, then through his dirty hair, tucking the stray strands behind his ear. His eyes are so bright, like blue beacons trying to lead me out of this wreck. Our eyes could never be more different, my eyes rooted to the earth, dark as Indian soil.

“I think so.” He says kissing my forehead.

“Show me.” I whisper as I lift my dress over my head and throw it on the floor, “I want you to show me.”

Hours later, Levi sleeps as I lie wide awake with my head resting on his bony chest. My head dips up and down as he breathes the deep sigh of sleep. With my hands I trace the outlines of his ribs, wishing he would eat more than he drinks. He’s too skinny. His body is just as wrecked as mine.

Through the walls I hear Riley and Ashley watching Jackass on television. They howl and hoot as they watch idiots try to kill
themselves. The smell of pot seeps in under the door and I feel at home. Alcohol, cigarettes, pot, and sex wrapping me up in a cocoon of all I’m not supposed to want, but do anyway. I’ve never felt so fulfilled and rested as I do now. I would stay here forever listening to laughter and the sighs of sleep, feeling cheap sheets and Levi’s soft skin, getting high from proximity to the pot. I wouldn’t change this moment for anything, even though the slightest mention of this would shame my family. For just a moment, as the streetlamp shines through the slatted window and splays across our intertwined bodies, I don’t care what they think. I don’t care at all.
"And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn't."

"It's like looking at all the students and wondering who's had their heart broken that day, and how they are able to cope with having three quizzes and a book report on top of that. Or wondering who did the heart breaking. And wondering why. Especially since i know that if they went to another school, the person who had their heart broken would have had their heart broken by somebody else, so why does it have to be so personal?"

"It suddenly dawned on me that if Michael were still around Susan probably wouldn't be "going out" with him anymore. Not because she's a bad person or shallow or mean. But because things change. And friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody."

"Patrick began every night really excited. He always said he felt free. And tonight was his destiny. And things like that... But after a while, the whole thing just wasn't interesting to him anymore, and he ran out of things to keep himself numb."

"So i guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them."

"Because it's okay to feel things. And be who you are about them."

AND MY FAVORITE.....

so i went to the psych today and she decided that i'm real bad off and gave me some medicine. Hopefully this will make all my paranoia go away.

Thankfully, she said i am not psychotic. that's a relief. I'd hate to find out that on top of bipolar, i'm a delusional psychotic.

I've started my story and i'm really excited about it! i told my psych and she said, "That's just so dark and scary." She probably thinks it's a reflection of my state of mind haha.
i don't know...

still got that paranoia thing going on. i don't know what's wrong with me. i've never been afraid of the dark or anything this ridiculous until now. i wonder if this has anything to do with bipolar disorder or if i'm coming up with yet another problem besides bipolar, self destructive behaviors, and now paranoid behaviors. I'm going to the psych this saturday, so maybe she'll be able to help.

i've cleaned out my room and tomorrow i'm going to test paint samples, i'm super excited! i got sortof depressed yesterday because everything is so damn expensive. it's definitely thrift shops for me. I want a comfy chair, ottoman, and desk to put in my room but i just don't know how i'm going to afford it.

i want to fold oragami birds and have them hanging from the ceiling, i think that could be awesome.

anyway, hope you're well!

i've decided to redecorate my room.  i'm thinking a sort of sixties, hippie thing.  i want something bright, but i don't want it to be too childish.

i definitely know i'm getting this lamp:

Tree Owl Lamp
or at least one similar to it.  I have to have an owl lamp, damn it!  it's practically the only reason i want to redecorate in the first place.  that and i'm tired of the jungle theme i've had since grade school.

i'm thinking i want this bedspread

Multi-Stripe Bed in a Bag, Pink

but i'm afraid it's too childish?  and i guess it really wouldn't go with a 60's mod theme very well

i'm going to divide my room in two and have a sitting area with tv, table, and chair (maybe partitioned off with gauzy stuff hanging down) and then having a separate bed area.  I'm really super excited about it.

I'm gonna have pretty chinese lanterns and owls galore.  I hope it turns out great.  Keep your finger's crossed!

i have this sixties poster already:



and here's some other stuff i'm looking at:

Product ImageProduct Image
Product Image

i attract the most dubious people.  honestly.  this ugly, redneck motherfucker wants to go out on a date with me:



he actually said, "I've wanted to ask you out ever since i found out we aren't really cousins."

YES HE ACTUALLY SAID THAT.  God, I live in mississippi, but come on.

i think i want to get into animal activism.  i'd really like to become a vegetarian, but since i don't cook it would be really hard to get all the nutrition i need.  i just really love animals and i don't want a cow to die just because i want a burger.  i'm gonna research volunteering at the aspca on saturdays or something.

i want to do something positive for the world and animals are something i really care about.

i wish i had the strength to get healthy and take control of my weight.  i wish i could drag my fat ass out of bed to exercise in the morning.  what is wrong with me?

oh well.  i'll try again tomorrow.

party time!

the party at Hopson last night was great!  i met a new friend, Morgan, and i pretty much just hung out with her all night.  I danced a little and i talked and laughed a whole lot!  i'm really glad i went.  I think i've proven that i can be a party person if i really try.

i can be outgoing and fun, who would of thought, right?

haley took a couple of pictures of me, so if they look any good i'll def put them on here.

I met about five new people.  fun, right?
so, Mississippi has officially broken the record for the most rain in the month of October.  I love the rain so i'm not too pissed, but all the sweet potato farmers' crop has wasted which makes me feel bad for them.  I'm sure it's just gonna make our state's economy suck even worse.

I'm so excited about halloween tomorrow.  My costume is gonna be so cute!  I stole some flowers from the flower shop i work at and i laced them through bobbi pins and i'm going to have them all throughout my hair.  Also, i'm braiding ribbons into my hair and i've painted my nails a bright sunshine yellow.  i got this crazy eye makeup that i hope works out.  If it doesn't i'm gonna ask haley to do some sixties eyeliner on me.

i bought the most amazing pair of kitten heel boots, i feel adorable whereever i go hahaha.

I think i might start riding my bike to work (when it's not raining).  It will be hard as hell the first few days, but it would be a great way for me to get some exercise in.  What do you think?

I'm gonna take some pictures of me in my costume and if i don't look too terribly fat i'll show you soon!

love you!
jenny and i were going to go out to all the bars on halloween night and i was going to be the cutest little hippie chick.  But alas, now she has to work and now i have nothing to do.  i'm pretty depressed about it.  i mean, jenny is really the only friend i have and i was hoping to make more that night.

i wish there was a way for me to invite myself to go with my other friends-who-arent-really-friends just so that i don't have to sit at home alone that night.

i will try to be a fun out going person i promise.

oh well, went shopping today and it was great.  i got The Smith's cd and i LOVE LOVE LOVE them.  He so angsty and great.  I just love it.

I also got two great books by laurie halse anderson.  and some clothes that were on sale too.  and the most uncomfortable pair of ballet flats.  i guess i'll just stick to my ratty flip flops after all.

how are ya'll?  love you!